…old bachelors have no excuse whatever for their condition. If we omit the natural and necessary exceptions, which are few enough, then pure selfishness and cowardice must account for every other case. Their despised old-bachelorhood is all their own fault. They have always had the tremendous privilege of asking for what they wanted; and half the battle was in that privilege. Men don’t have wives because they don’t ask for them; and they don’t ask for them because they don’t want them; and in this condition lie their shame and their degradation, and the well-deserved scorn with which the married part of both sexes regard them.
And, further on:
…the unmarried woman is becoming every year more self-reliant, and more respectable and respected, and the unmarried man more effeminate and contemptible. […] Men who marry are the honorable progenitors of the future; and their self-denying, busy lives not only bless this generation, but prepare for the next one. The old bachelor is merely a human figure, without duties and without hopes. Nationally and socially, domestically and personally, he is a spoon with nothing in it!
Amelia Barr, Maids and Bachelors
“he is a spoon with nothing in it!” — hehe, you have made my day 🙂
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I can’t take credit for it -it’s all Mrs Barr (btw, she is the author of “Remember The Alamo”)
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There are other reasons, not only cowardice, that create old bachelors. Some people wind up in pursuit of a lengthy career goal and until they reach that goal, family life is not possible. The training of a doctor for example requires 4y in college, 4y in med school, 3-5 years in residency and followed by 2-4 years of fellowship. Unless you have the cultural and family support during those years to allow for a family, you will likely remain a bachelor. By that support, I mean that you need your parents and wife’s parents to assume the roles of cooking, raising children, and caring for the house, because during all those years you will remain poor, overworked, and overtired just from your professional obligations. The folks I know who come from Asia have such support and are able to have children during this period. The ones from Western countries are at a disadvantage. If you say that it is possible to get married and delay having children for 10 years, then I will say that you’re not very observant. The main point of getting married is to raise a family. The couples who avoid this task, most frequently end in divorce.
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I have tried to remember who, what doctor from those I know is not married with children? Couldn’t remember even one. And my orthodontist (who had to graduate medical school in Israel and then another one – in US ) has five kids. Even women-doctors are married and have children -I don’t think their husbands quit their jobs to take care of babies. If what you say was true, who would have wanted to be in a relationship with a doctor? it would have no future. And yet, doctors and other labor-intense professionals have no shortage of candidates for their GF and BF.
Besides, have you noticed the link at the end of my post? The author, from her end-of-19cent Victorian New York’ position, offers more reasons why people remain unmarried. I’m sure oyu’ll find more objections when read them all
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I haven’t looked at the link, but I have no doubts about you being right that I would find other objectionable material there.
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Another valid reason for some old bachelors and bachelorettes, is that when someone has an IQ above 150 it becomes very difficult to find a good match. Sure you can be fascinated by someone’s good looks for a while but that wears off, and then pettiness, jealousy, and misunderstanding dominate the relationship. How would you enjoy being in a relationship where your partner can only make themselves feel adequate by knocking you down?
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..and yet, for some unfathomable reason, people with high IQ who are married managed to find partners also with high IQ. How in the world did they accomplish this impossible task?!
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Etat, my point was that there are other valid reasons for old bachelors. There are lots of married doctors with large families, but many of them put off marriage until their 30’s. That is not often the case with folks who come from an Asia. They marry in early 20’s and start having kids soon afterwards despite pursuing intense careers.
As far as the IQ or any other characteristic that separates one from the norm, it does make it more difficult to find a compatible mate.
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Both of these are valid reasons, but – and in this Ms Barr was right – if it is a valid reason for a man it’s doubly valid for a woman. Because if a man postpones having wife and kids till he is 30, it’s normal, he wouldn’t shorten his available window of opportunity, not in a sense of his own fertility or his appeal to opposite sex. But a woman has to think of both these considerations. Also, – and this hasn’t changed since Amelia Barr’s times – a man can decide when he wants to propose; a woman never does; he has control in initiating his married status, she isn’t. So – she is still correct in saying with everything else being equal a man is more guilty in staying bachelor than a woman.
Even in this “high IQ business” – how many businessmen marry their receptionists, doctors – their medical assistants and pilots – stewardesses? That’s a stereotype that wouldn’t exist if there was no statistical basis for it. And how many couples of the reverse you know – like a woman-corporate lawyer married to, say, a guy who sorts out office mail? For some inexplicable reason, men find much more agreeable a lower IQ in a woman – as long as she is “easy on the eyes” – and not the other way around.
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